“We are Big Marijuana,” proclaimed Jamen Shively. Mr. Shively was in the middle of a press event this month, in which he announced he intends to raise $10 million to create a national brand of marijuana stores for recreational purposes and expand them as states gradually legalize its use. Shively’s company is called Diego Pellicer, and he appears intent upon building the first national brand in the category—essentially the Pottery Barn of pot, the Marlboro of marijuana or the Billabong of, well, you get the idea.

Of course, Shively and his company face a few challenges. “Developing a national brand in an industry in which it is illegal to move the core product across state lines presents some serious logistical challenges,” says Betty Aldworth, deputy director of the National Cannabis Industry Association. If you’re like me, your first reaction to this statement was, “There’s a National Cannabis Industry Association?” My next thought was to wonder what their annual meetings were like, but…wait… where was I? Oh, yeah, so beyond Ms. Aldworth’s deadpan statement of the obvious, Jamen’s company will also face uncertainties from the federal authorities whose laws are in conflict with states that are legalizing use for their citizens.

If the federal government can track all our phone calls and look for insidious patterns, they are darn well going to notice a press conference where a guy says he’s going to raise ten mil and break a few of their laws. In fact, advocates for recreational marijuana use are afraid of exactly that. They fear that if someone does, indeed, create the Carrabba’s of cannabis, that too much success will lead to a federal crackdown that will supersede state laws.

Actually, there are already many fledgling pot brands in states like Colorado where laws will soon be the most permissive in the U.S. Judging by the websites of a few of them, however, they have a long way to go. This approximate use of the English language comes from Rocky Road Remedies in Colorado Springs: “So you want buy Our sophisticated cannabis cultivation, produces more consistent strength of medial marijuana than ever before.” This copy is either insanely clever at imitating the state of mind of someone who has already partaken of the drug, or the dude was stoned when he wrote it. I mean, really, misspelling “medical?” According to their website, anyone can “buy colorado springs pot everyday from 2-7pm,” Open at 2 pm? Sophisticated cannabis cultivation must be exhausting.

So I’m thinking there’s a little bit of room for improvement in the branding and marketing of marijuana. Back to Mr. Shively and Diego Pelican or whatever he’s calling it so far. It could fun to imagine what it would take to build a real brand in this category. What would the brand name be? (Not Diego Pellicer, that’s for sure) A big tobacco company would come up with a brand that would be positioned as organic, or sophisticated, or rugged and macho. In fact they would likely try all three of those. Instead of Joe Camel we might see Joe Reefer, and Ganja Mountain sounds about right for the all-natural entry.

Gotta find a good spokesperson who can appeal to a broad range of demographics. What’s Cheech Marin up to these days? Or maybe Mike Myers and Dana Carvey could reprise their roles from Wayne’s World in a viral video?

Let’s see, we’ll need a tagline. “Just do it,” “I’m lovin’ it,” and “Open happiness” would all work well, but, sadly, they’re taken. Apple hasn’t used “Think different” in quite a while, but you know how protective they can be of their intellectual property. So maybe we’ll have to pull a phrase from somewhere else in our vernacular. “Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em” comes to mind.

In all seriousness, or least all that I have left at the moment, you can bet that Big Tobacco and the liquor industry (and maybe Dunkin Donuts) are taking a hard look at how to profit from the relaxation of marijuana laws. Their brand building machines would churn out viable brands with huge marketing support in no time. But until federal laws are in line with what states are doing, we will continue to see the Rocky Road Remedies of the world produce their entertaining versions of pot brands and branding. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, at least in some states.

Party on, Garth.

As published in the Central Penn Business Journal.