We take you now to a secret meeting of BMA, Burger Mascots Anonymous, where fast food characters gather to talk about their problems. Seated in a small circle of chairs are the Burger King, the Arby’s Oven Mitt, the former Elby’s Big Boy, Wendy, and a new member, Ronald McDonald. He speaks first:
Ronald: “Hi, I’m… Ronald.”
All: “Hi, Ronald.”
Ronald: “I’m a burger mascot and everybody hates me.”
All: “That’s OK, Ronald.”
Ronald: “I can’t even believe I’m here. I thought I was well liked. Now I’ve become some kind of childhood obesity villain.”
Big Boy: “If anyone should be that, it’s me, Ronald. I’ve been portly since 1960. Chubby was cute back then. By the way, I can’t get enough of your McNuggets. They’re delicious.”
Ronald: “So how did I become the target? My handlers say I’m strategically positioned to make kids laugh, give parents a break, and raise money for the Ronald McDonald House charity. Now a group of nuns is leading the charge against me. Nuns!”
The Burger King: “Maybe you’re just too darn good at selling Happy Meals, you clown! I should know. My owners turned me into a kind of twisted Creepy King who never said a word. But I was wickedly ironic, wasn’t I? A kids’ mascot turned into a dead-eyed caricature of myself. Leering around corners, popping up in strange places with 1500-calorie sandwiches for young men. Hilarious stuff. Twenty-somethings bought them by the truckload, but our overall sales never really improved. Do you know what it’s like to go without talking for five years? Sometimes I just wanted to scream, ‘Buy a Whopper already, I sweating my butt off inside this giant head!'”
The Arby’s Mitt: “The King is right, Ronald. If a group wants to get attention, they’ll go after the best-known character of all. No one even knows who I am. Wendy here has been reduced to not much more than a ponytail wig. The King’s new owners have shipped him off for a mascot makeover. You’re the obvious choice.”
Ronald: “So what do I do? I’m really just a clown at heart.”
Big Boy: “Who helps pitch 800 calorie happy meals to three-year olds.”
Ronald: “Don’t forget the collectible toy inside.”
The Mitt: “What-ever! I think he might be trying to say you need to be more well rounded.”
Ronald: “Well-rounded? You’re just an oven mitt with a face! What do you know about well-rounded?”
The Mitt: “I mean in your message. Can you talk more about importance of daily exercise and balanced meals and less about burgers, fries and sugary drinks?”
Ronald: “You mean get kids to eat salads? Who can do that? Their own parents can’t even get them to do that. I can’t pitch Happy Salads.”
Big Boy: “Like I said before, chubby used to be lovable. But times have changed. You can call it lack of personal or parental responsibility, or special interests trying to hold a brand hostage, but our culture now has big groups of people that are looking for corporate responsibility from not just fast food chains with corny burger mascots like us, but for the environment, for sustainable resources, and for other so-called politically correct issues.”
The Mitt: “Yeah, Ronald, you don’t have to like it, but we’re all going to have to deal with it, especially you since you’re so successful. If you don’t, you could be joining the King in rehab.”
King: “Hey, that’s ‘Mascot Reengineering,’ if you don’t mind.”
Ronald: “But my job is safe, isn’t it? Just last month the CEO of McDonalds said, ‘Ronald McDonald is going nowhere.'”
The Mitt: “Well, it looks like he’ll be right either way, won’t he?”